Here we are back at Vanderbilt. We are currently in the pre-op holding area waiting for them to take Nick to have a power port installed. I may have to get busy and make him a super hero leotard and cape. A power port sounds like an addition that would certainly warrant at least a cape??!! I'll have to confirm that with Nick as soon as he regains his full faculties after the procedure.
A power port is a small non-reactive metal cup with a thick silicone plug on the front and a catheter extending from the side. The cup will be placed under Nick's skin, just below his right collar bone. The catheter will be placed inside one of the large veins leading to his heart. When he receives chemo or needs blood drawn for the next three years, it will only take a needle stick through his skin and through the silicone plug. This is much easier and less painful to deal with than repeated IV's or a Picc line. Because the port will be under his skin, he will be able to take a shower without being taped up, and it will remain sterile. The "power" part of this port means that it can be used for procedures that require a quick rate of infusion...like a CT with contrast.
I haven't written in a few days because I just simply did not feel like writing. We found out Tuesday that the bone marrow biopsy that he had last Friday showed some leukemia cell colonies on the more sensitive flow cytometry test...which means that he is not in deep remission yet. I am certainly thankful for the more accurate tests. Nick's Dr. made the comment that several years ago he would have just assumed that deep remission had been achieved, and the assumption might have had serious consequences. It's good to know the facts and be able to act upon them with wisdom. However, I would not be telling the truth if I said that I was not experiencing some less than pleasant emotions. I still know that this will all be O.K., but I want it all to be O.K. NOW!! How's that for being honest??
(I wrote the first part of this earlier in the day)
Nick is now finished with the day. We are at a hotel. We didn't pack to stay in town, so we had no pillows to be able to stay at the condo. (I use a lot of pillows.) Before they took him back for the port installation he had some unusual neuro symptoms. The port was successful, but the neuro stuff was not peaceful at all! We ended up having a head CT this evening, and will find out results tomorrow.
While he was getting the port, I went to the cafeteria. (I had handled all of the scary stuff with supportive grace and pastor-like peace.) It was about 2:00 and neither of us had eaten all day. I got some chicken, sweet potatoes, and a Dr. Pepper, and sat down for a peaceful moment. I took one bite, and opened the Dr. Pepper...KABLOOOOOW! It exploded...wet from head to toe...sandals squishing with sticky wetness. That is when I lost it. The ugly cry began in earnest. I couldn't carry my meal, the remaining Dr. Pepper, and my bags at the same time. So, I left the food and went to the napkin station. Crying loudly, mascara running, squeaking and squishing with every step, I used nearly an entire hospital sized napkin dispenser trying to sop up my blouse, skirt, face, hair and shoes. The people around me must have thought, "Boy, she really loved that Dr. Pepper." I thought I had myself together, so I headed back to post-op. I stepped out into the hall walking with a passion, and lost it again. Do you know how long that hall is? It must be 10 city blocks long (slight exaggeration.) It was like the scene in Alice in Wonderland where the perspective of the hall changes. It kept getting longer and longer. I thought it would never end...but it finally did, and I survived.
At the end of this day, I am thankful for the tension release that a good cry brings. I still want this chapter in our lives to end well now, but I realize once again that when God requires us to wait it is not the same as His saying no. "Wait," just brings the result in His perfect timing. I am thankful that my son is comfortable in his bed with the remnants of pasta that he greatly enjoyed clinging to his t-shirt. (We didn't bring changes of clothing.) I am so very thankful that God is God, and that I am not! It is well!
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