This has been a particularly difficult weekend. The previous statement is true. However, I do not necessary understand why it is true. I am learning so much while walking through this trail with my family, and it is glaringly obvious how much more there may be to learn. There is no manual for how one will feel or react in any given moment or situation when one's child has a "catastrophic" illness.
Early on in this process, Nick was diagnosed about 6 weeks ago, we were all walking in such grace and peace. I really felt as though God were carrying me. Please do not misunderstand, we are still smack dab in the middle of the peace that passes understanding. God IS FAITHFUL! However, especially this weekend, I have gone through a time where, as my Nana would have said, "I was as weak as water." We did have some added trials during the last week. Nick started having some episodes that were more than a bit disconcerting, and those still have not been fully explained. He would say to me, in a slowed voice, "Mom, something is very wrong. I'm scared." Just by looking at and listening to him I could tell that things were not right. It was a helpless feeling. I did all of my nurse-wanna-be evaluations: BP,temp,pulses,pupil reactions,strength tests, mental status orientation, listened to his heart & lungs,skin color,capillary refill..etc. I couldn't find anything, to explain what was happening, but it was happening none-the-less. There is more to it than that, but that gives you the picture from both his and our sides.
The longest episode was Friday night. We went to the JMCGH E.R., and they admitted him, but thankfully found no pathological reason for the episodes. It is probably related to the chemo and steroids. That is a much better answer than the other possibilities. He came home again Saturday evening.
During my time with the Lord this morning I felt lead to read Psalm 2. It's a Psalm (obviously from the Old Testament) about kings and rulers of the earth setting up rebellious plans "without a chance of success" against Jesus, Himself. This Psalm affirms that Jesus is the Son of God, and clearly states that as men plot evil, He laughs at them from Heaven. The Line,"12 Kiss the Son, lest He be angry, and you perish in the way..." has new meaning to me today. The word, kiss, in that verse literally means to attachment yourself. It is basically saying that without intimately attaching ourselves to Jesus we will perish. It also goes on to say, "12....Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him."
I can tell you, from the center of the battle, that I am so thankful for the grace of God that made it possible to enter this season of our lives already attached to Jesus. We don't have the strength on our own. II Corinthians 12:9 has been a favorite verse of mine for as long has I can remember: "And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee; for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
If you find yourself reading this today without an intimate attachment to Jesus...this is the day. He died a horrible death on the cross...literally gave His life so that you could have the opportunity of eternal life. He then rose again to life after three days. You don't have to be cleaned up and sin-free to come to Him. Starting this intimate relationship with Him is as easy as believing that He is the Son of God and that He gave His life for you, and admitting to Him that you need Him to be your Savior. The Bible says that when you believe, you become a new creation. He will help and guide you into living that "cleaned up" life as your relationship progresses.
Everyone's life has trials. Go ahead and attach to Him today. It is well!
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